The New Essential A -List Fashion Accessory

Speaking of fashion, I'm always fashion backwards.
When I had a chihuahua, the "in" pets, were Great Danes,
and Pyrenees. The bigger, the better, back then. I was
the subject of snickers, for having a "pet rat."

So declasse', when I did it...

Of course, if I looked like Paris Hilton, and had her
fashion forward genius, I wouldn't have resembled a
migrant worker, with a rat, peeking out of my tacky,
"Ross's Dress For Less," vinyl handbag.

That's why she's glamorous, rich and famous, and I'm
obscure, poor, and invisible. I don't have the charisma,
it takes, for anyone to notice me, even, if I painted my
face bright green. When I wear a style, it's out, the
next minute.

I admire Paris, for her stylishness, and making pets, "in,"
because, she has, also increased animal awareness, and that's
a good thing.

As sincere, as I think, she is, in her pet advocacy,
the parade, of designer-clad, copycats, who, stuff
their Fendi's, with well-groomed, dressed up, toy dogs,
and other exotics, seems to be inspired, mainly, by
being fashion slaves.

Let's face it, it's fashionable, to have near-fatal eating
disorders, along with, ubiquitous, small expensive animals,
in costumes, that cost more, than my wedding gown did.

Yet, fashion, needs to be, constantly in motion, to exist.
The ironic successor, to the designer pooch, this season,
is the pet orphaned African infant.

For those who can't afford the cost, of flying to
Africa, and bribing, the right corrupt, government
officials, to achieve, instant gratification, and
maximum publicity, during Fashion Week, may I suggest,
going to South-Central LA, or any inner-city, and
becoming, a mentor, to a disadvantaged American kid?
Not only would these truly needy kids benefit, but,
they can go to awards ceremonies, and be photographed,
with the family, on vacation, in St. Tropez.

I challenge hip, A-List denizens, to consider this,
even if these little black kids, are not Africans,
but, African-Americans.

Then again, I thought of it, so, it must be dorky.

The main reason, this pet African mud-hut infant, is suddenly
chi-chi, is that, Angelina Jolie, the ultimate chic chick,
and the biggest superstar, of our era, initiated it. This
woman, who could easily be, the most beautiful woman, in
human history, also, has a compassionate spirit, and tender
heart, for children, that is genuine. That's why, on her,
it looks magnificent, and begs, to be copied.

When she, adopted African children, it complemented, her
altruism, selfless charity, and activism, as, an Ambassador
for Unicef.

Her persona, while larger than life, is enhanced, by a
a humble spirit. Like Paris, true to her animal passions,
Angie's style caught on, because, it is an innate accessory,
to her own inimitable humanity.

The new fad, being picked up, by former trendsetters, like
80s pop-diva, Madonna, is far less palatable, though. While
the lady, can still pack stadiums, let's face it, she's no
Gwen Stefani.

To compete, she needs to, constantly, whip up new props.

After brilliantly succeeding, in offending millions,
of devout world Christians, mocking the crucifixion,
on a blue tile cross, that looked like the floor,
of a Men's Room toilet, she needed, a new News gig.
The desecration of a sacred symbol, was back in August.
You can't wear summer accessories, after Labor Day, duh.
As a fashion leader, you must keep up, season, after
grueling season, no matter what!

It must be infuriating, to have to work, so hard, these
days, for new things, to get in the News, cluttered, with
droning blather, about Korea, China, and Iran, destabilizing
a world, ready to go up in puffs of nuclear smoke...and
Brangelina...yada..yada..

Hanging on a cross, at 50, will only take you so far...

She tried to pay tens, of millions, of dollars, to go up to
space, and be seen, as....as...To be SEEN. For some inexplicable
reason, the Space Station, refused her offer. Huh?

Inspite, of that disappointment, she isn't doing too
badly. She's still scored, two consecutive, spot-on hits,
for maximum News coverage.

When she was younger, and sexy, she could do things like wear
pointy bras, and squat, naked, over a mirror, and sell the images,
as "art." They caused seismic ripples, back then.

That was then, and this is now.

Please, don't go squatting naked, anymore, Madonna...
That's all we ask.

As a clever prognosticator, of trends, she figured out,
two sure winners. Naturally, it's fashionable, to despise
all Christians, while mocking, the cross of their Savior,
Jesus Christ. Of course, she knew, her despicable blasphemy,
of something profoundly sacred, to many devout people, appealed,
to the media, so, she got her needed mileage, and attention:
"LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!!! I'm squatting on the cross of Jesus.
.... AGAIN!"

But, unless, the world, would presume to think she's
a mean, ungodly, insensitive bitch, (ya think?!) she
needed a new look, and right accessory, for Fall, to soften,
any negativity, caused, by her blatant sacrilege.

By dressing up, as the compassionate "Madonna," mother, to
the motherless, mud hut dwellers, she brilliantly, slipped,
this new look on, in the tony color, of fashion forward
jet-setters! Black infants are in. Latino, and Asian orphans,
after all, are so 1990s.

In 1996, I tried to adopt a black baby, abandoned, at my
hospital. A belligerent, black social worker, practically
mobilized NAACP demonstrations, outside my home. How dare I
deprive this child, of color, their proud natural heritage?
(Being the child of a crack addict? whatever.) Because,
I was a jew, it was more reprehensible, it always is.

Needless, to say, I was fashion-backwards, once again. I was
denied my kid. Being a nobody, and a fashion nerd, is my curse.

The innest new pet, like last season's exotic, and darling,
kinkajoo, made wildly trendsetting, by the charismatic
Paris Hilton, is the pet mud hut orphan. Now, everyone wants
one of them!


What better outfit, could Madonna put on, than a darling,
motherless pet mud hut baby, slung over, her Stella McCartney?
Add some super-sized big sunglasses, with skinny black pants,
and voila! She doesn't even need to pay 20 million to fly to
space. She's on the News, all over the planet, usurping Angie,
who gets far too much coverage, on a daily basis! What nerve!

Oh well, at least, it's funny as hell, to watch this
latest act of desperation, from a fatuous, vain old fool.
Becoming a new mom, at 50, without an egg left, in the
chamber, is the new youth-enhancer, better than botox,
and so fashionably chic!

Madonna is actually ok, other than being a total joke.
She's going to be that Gloria Swanson character, Norma Desmond,
in "Sunset Blvd," squatting naked, over something, at 80..

"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Scorcese."